RoseQuill press put on a great contest for worst query letter and I had to do it! I hope I win...
Below is what I submitted - a parody I wrote of my newly written novel that I'm shopping to agents and publishers:
Shit's gettin' real, huh?!
I write gooder!
Because I write about ideas no one else has. Not because the stories probably shouldn't be told, but because...I write gooder!
My novel idea (get it?!), which was only partly borrowed from my friend Rick, is of a pastor getting possessed by a demon...wait for it...on purpose!
"Are you kidding, possessed on purpose?!"
"No joke, Rick, on purpose. Ain't it cool?"
"Wow, you're the next Stephen King, Ryan!"
"No, that's Joe Hill. Genetics wins that round. Damn you genetics!"
You see, this book is set back like 5 hundo year ago, back in the days before Ben Franklin invented lightning - when fallen angels are loosed (or is it loosened?) across creation. Abraham, a small village pastor must use the devil trying to possess him as his weapon against the Fallen to save his kidnapped wife and children. It's crazy because it's a device to get the character moving since he's a father...and a Father!
Please hold your applause until the end, it gets better. And has even more exclamation points! :)
Abraham is REALLY good at fighting, so he paints his face white and gold and becomes the Holy Wraith to cope with breaking his beloved commandments and to hide his shame, but to also kill his way back to his family and protect the world from the fallen angels and their demons. Yet it's all little protection, just a bridge to madness as the demon slowly possesses Abraham, providing the strength of a one man army against the surging warrior tribes, but gradually sapping away his humanity to leave behind the dark void of a devoured soul.
Shit's gettin' real, huh?!
Oh, dammit, I swore.
How do I erase the swear while maintaining a high level of literary integrity by writing this in one draft?
I, ooops...I spilled coffee on my query. I don't think the stain will send, right? Do you see it? All the people at the coffee shop I show off at - I mean write at - tell me it's all good.
If not, I'll email you a couple bucks to print a new one. I can attach a $10 bill, please email the change back.
Anyway, Profane Prayers, this book I'm pushing is a 103,539 word supernatural dark fantasy novel in the vein of Brandon Sanderson and Patrick Rothfuss, with other influences from writers such as Stephen King, Alan Moore and Chuck Palahniuk.
Those guys made mad bank so we're bound to! I know it's not romance, but these guys have written about chicks and dudes bumping uglies, so it kinda counts.
And, isn't there romance in every book, since each is a labor of love?
Yeah, I hope you liked that last line. My mom, who says I write like a late-stage syphilitic Oscar Wilde, suggested it. Was he Oliva Wilde's great-grandpa? Hope she doesn't have syphilis.
Bona fides: I graduated Columbia College Chicago’s fiction writing program with degrees in awesome. I've written other crap like: Hold the Light, Revenants: Fallen Savior and Revenants: Haunted.
But I don't mean crap as in bad, I mean my work is crap...no, wait...
I have also won awards for my short fiction with HBO and my novels with EPIC. Told ya I write good.
So, please feel free to send the contract over via email and I'll sign my screen, since I have a touch screen, and I'll email the signed copy back to you and we can start this baller venture!
Thank you for your time and attention, I hope to speak with you soon.
P.S. - Your Crappy Query Contest is brilliant. It absolutely compelled me to send you a parody of my real query for Profane Prayers.Though my novel won't likely find a home with a romance house, it is currently searching for a literary agent and publishing house. If you know colleagues that might want to see the real query or novel, please feel free to share my contact information. Regardless, thank you for your time and for even doing this at all, I loved it.